I have a problem of wanting to always appear like I'm not struggling with anything. I hate getting in trouble. I hate when people are upset with me. I just want everyone to get along. I want to be perfect. News flash Stefanie - you aren't perfect. Never have been. Never will be. I don't like to admit defeat.
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| It was then that He carried me... |
You might wonder what I've been disappointed by? Well as you most likely already know if you know me, or have ever read my blog, I have never dated anyone. I've felt for years and years like I was supposed to remain single and wait on God. So I have been asked out a handful of times in my life and I have always said no. I honestly have not felt like I was supposed to say yes. So I waited. Then I waited some more. I liked a few different guys. Kept on waiting. I liked another boy or two. Kept on waiting.
Do you get the picture here? I've been waiting for a while. Every time someone new came into my life I would ask God, "Is it time yet?" He said "No, keep waiting. I'm not ready to share you yet." Now, this might sound kind of nice, right? Jesus, the one who came to give His life for me because He loves me, doesn't want to share me with anyone yet. Sure, it's nice at first. To be honest though - when you hear that over and over again for countless years it gets old. And so, I began to lose hope. Hope - a feeling that what is wanted will happen. I began to doubt that what I really wanted to happen in my life would ever happen. There is a song by Casting Crowns that says 'it's a slow fade when you give yourself away.' I've found that is so true. When you hear the lies of the enemy and you begin to believe them you don't even realize you are fading away. So I began to believe that maybe God didn't really have the best in store for me. That He really was holding out on me. His plans for me weren't full of hope. But loneliness.
About a month or so ago I came to the end of my rope. I'd been believing the lies of the enemy for too long. I'd been hurt, unintentionally, one too many times. I had cried too many times over yet another disappointment. So I decided to do something about it. Luckily I made the right choice and I got together with someone to pray. It's called Theophostic Prayer. You pray and ask Jesus to take you back to the place where you were first hurt, or you first began to doubt His goodness. You ask for truth.
So I did. I asked Jesus to show me where I began to listen to the lies of the enemy and I began to doubt His truth, His goodness. I admitted to Him that I truly felt despair - to lose hope. I didn't trust Him anymore. I apologized and asked for truth. The amazing thing about God is that He really does not disappoint. I told Him I had no hope left. He reminded me of various times when He called me to wait and He came through. #1 - I heard about DLA. He told me to wait. 2 years later I moved to Colorado for a year and went to DLA!! WOWwww God! #2 - I have always wanted to pay for my college all up front. One semester I felt like I was supposed to sign up for ex. amount of classes but I didn't quite have enough money. On the VERY LAST DAY my money was due God came through and provided me with exactly the money I needed. Wooow God!
Okay, I was beginning to get the point. All of the times He had asked me to wait, there was a reason. He came through. In a way that I knew it was ONLY God. This reminded me of a passage in Ezekiel 37 that talks about how God came through in a way that it was evident it was ONLY God who did it and NO ONE else. So I opened to read the scripture. I couldn't even read the whole chapter because I began to laugh. I was literally FILLED TO THE TOP with JOY. His joy. Why? Because in the midst of my lack of hope He gave me new hope. Ezekiel 37:11-14 says "Then he said to me, 'Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. They say, 'Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.' Therefore prophesy and say to them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. Then you, my people, will know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the Lord have spoken, and I have done it, declares the Lord.'
For seriously 5 minutes or more I had a wonderful laugh attack and I ended up in tears I laughed so much. God came through. He renewed my hope. In a powerful way. I won't ever forget it. And now, that scripture is my new promise from God. I still have no idea what the future holds. I can't see past tomorrow. However I do know, whatever He has for me, it will be good. It won't be easy. This is still a daily struggle. I can't wait to be truly on the other side of this. But I have hope. I have a feeling that what is wanted will happen. In His timing.
Along the way He can use me in my weakness and my brokenness. He seems to work best that way any how. ;) I know that is actually a huuuuge part of why I am going through all of this. Because He wants me to minister to women. To those who struggle with relationships. Or the lack thereof. How can I truly say I've been there unless I've truly been there? So thank you Jesus for the struggle. Thank you for the hope.
Do you get the picture here? I've been waiting for a while. Every time someone new came into my life I would ask God, "Is it time yet?" He said "No, keep waiting. I'm not ready to share you yet." Now, this might sound kind of nice, right? Jesus, the one who came to give His life for me because He loves me, doesn't want to share me with anyone yet. Sure, it's nice at first. To be honest though - when you hear that over and over again for countless years it gets old. And so, I began to lose hope. Hope - a feeling that what is wanted will happen. I began to doubt that what I really wanted to happen in my life would ever happen. There is a song by Casting Crowns that says 'it's a slow fade when you give yourself away.' I've found that is so true. When you hear the lies of the enemy and you begin to believe them you don't even realize you are fading away. So I began to believe that maybe God didn't really have the best in store for me. That He really was holding out on me. His plans for me weren't full of hope. But loneliness.
About a month or so ago I came to the end of my rope. I'd been believing the lies of the enemy for too long. I'd been hurt, unintentionally, one too many times. I had cried too many times over yet another disappointment. So I decided to do something about it. Luckily I made the right choice and I got together with someone to pray. It's called Theophostic Prayer. You pray and ask Jesus to take you back to the place where you were first hurt, or you first began to doubt His goodness. You ask for truth.
So I did. I asked Jesus to show me where I began to listen to the lies of the enemy and I began to doubt His truth, His goodness. I admitted to Him that I truly felt despair - to lose hope. I didn't trust Him anymore. I apologized and asked for truth. The amazing thing about God is that He really does not disappoint. I told Him I had no hope left. He reminded me of various times when He called me to wait and He came through. #1 - I heard about DLA. He told me to wait. 2 years later I moved to Colorado for a year and went to DLA!! WOWwww God! #2 - I have always wanted to pay for my college all up front. One semester I felt like I was supposed to sign up for ex. amount of classes but I didn't quite have enough money. On the VERY LAST DAY my money was due God came through and provided me with exactly the money I needed. Wooow God!Okay, I was beginning to get the point. All of the times He had asked me to wait, there was a reason. He came through. In a way that I knew it was ONLY God. This reminded me of a passage in Ezekiel 37 that talks about how God came through in a way that it was evident it was ONLY God who did it and NO ONE else. So I opened to read the scripture. I couldn't even read the whole chapter because I began to laugh. I was literally FILLED TO THE TOP with JOY. His joy. Why? Because in the midst of my lack of hope He gave me new hope. Ezekiel 37:11-14 says "Then he said to me, 'Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. They say, 'Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.' Therefore prophesy and say to them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. Then you, my people, will know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the Lord have spoken, and I have done it, declares the Lord.'
For seriously 5 minutes or more I had a wonderful laugh attack and I ended up in tears I laughed so much. God came through. He renewed my hope. In a powerful way. I won't ever forget it. And now, that scripture is my new promise from God. I still have no idea what the future holds. I can't see past tomorrow. However I do know, whatever He has for me, it will be good. It won't be easy. This is still a daily struggle. I can't wait to be truly on the other side of this. But I have hope. I have a feeling that what is wanted will happen. In His timing.
Along the way He can use me in my weakness and my brokenness. He seems to work best that way any how. ;) I know that is actually a huuuuge part of why I am going through all of this. Because He wants me to minister to women. To those who struggle with relationships. Or the lack thereof. How can I truly say I've been there unless I've truly been there? So thank you Jesus for the struggle. Thank you for the hope.
What are you struggling with right now? Maybe, just maybe, God actually wants to use your struggle to teach you something. To use you to minster to someone. Ask Him. I promise, He'll let you in on it.
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